A Miscarriage Mother is Still A Mother

A miscarriage mother is still a mother. This is something a sweet friend reminded me after my first miscarriage, and I carried this with me over my fertility journey. Miscarriages are more common than many people think. 1 in 4 women will experience a pregnancy or infant loss. 1 in 4! 

I have decided to share my story of my two miscarriages before our darling rainbow baby was born. It has taken me years to gain the courage to share my story not because I am ashamed, but because bringing it all back can be hard. I know so many moms that grieve in silence. It can take time, and that’s OKAY. 

My miscarriage stories.

September 2017 my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. We were over the moon excited! The beginning of January 2018 I finally got that positive pregnancy test! I was beyond excited!!! We decided we wanted to announce my pregnancy on my birthday (at the end of the month). Excitedly, I bought a onesie the next day that said, “Bentley Baby coming September 2018.” A week later I stared to spot, which led to full on bleeding. Sadly, as I sat in my OBGYN’s office, I heard the news “I’m sorry you have miscarried” It was a blow I didn’t want to hear. My heart broke like never before. She told me to not give up hope because “it happens,” and you can try again.

 

The onesie I bought to announce my first pregnancy

We decided to keep this pregnancy and loss a secret. I grieved the loss alone with my husband. We started trying right away, but with every month that passed with no positive result I started to doubt. Maybe I’m not meant to be a mother? Maybe this isn’t my path….

Mother’s Day approached, and I remember the sting of the Mother’s Day greetings and posts. Trying to hold back tears my mind would race:

 “I would have been celebrating if our baby survived.”

“People would be wishing me a happy Mother’s Day because I would have a little bump by now” 

“We would of known the gender by now.” 

“why did this happen to me?” 

“I don’t deserve this”

“Baby why did we loose you? I miss you so”

For the next several months I cringed at every pregnancy or birth announcement that was posted. While working in an infant room at a day care, I would find myself crying while rocking a baby to sleep, and inside my head I’d be repeating, “when will it be my turn?” Knowing myself, and the pain of caring for other people’s babies, I quit my job at the daycare and took a job as a nanny to two toddlers. 

September came around and, on the week of my angel baby’s due date, I found out I was pregnant again. I was excited and absolutely terrified all at the same time! I found myself dwelling on the chance of miscarrying again everyday. I googled the percentages of a miscarriage happening at each week marker. Instead of clinging to the positive chances of my baby making it, I sadly only focused on the chance of loosing a baby again. At 8 weeks we went to my first ultrasound, and saw that precious little heart beat. Seeing my baby’s heart beat gave me some peace, but I still was so worried. We ended up telling our family and friends the exciting news because, since we saw the heartbeat everything should be fine, right? 

I started having some lower back pains, and had a UTI at around 11 weeks. I ended up starting to spot, and my biggest fears crept to the surface. We went to the emergency room to make sure the baby was ok. They did several ultrasounds, and wouldn’t let me see the screen. I stared at the technician’s face as she did the ultrasound, and a part of me knew something was wrong. A doctor came into our room, and explained to me that they couldn’t detect a heartbeat. The minute I heard those words I blacked out. The last thing I remember from that night was collapsing into my husband’s arms screaming: “this cant be happening again!”

They ended up inducing my miscarriage. I will never forget, while I was crying on the bathroom floor in my husband’s arms, he told me that I was the best mom, and nothing would change that. Within 10 months I had lost two babies and, even though I didn’t think my heart could handle any more loss, I knew this wasn’t how my story would end. It was just beginning. 

My husband and I decided to put “trying” on hold to just enjoy our marriage, and focus on trusting God. That following January as we approached the year anniversary of loosing our first baby, I found out I was pregnant a third time. As we stared at that pregnancy test in shock, I had this unexplainable peace come over me that took every fear away. I was confident that we were going to meet this baby. At my first ultrasound we found out I was going to be due September 18, 2019 the same week my first baby was due!

My third pregnancy I finally got to hit all those anticipated milestones I had missed with my previous two pregnancies. The morning sickness, the growing bump, finding out the gender, the first kicks, preparing the nursery, and in the end delivering a healthy baby girl. My entire pregnancy I decided to focus on the positives and, doing that, allowed me to fully enjoy the little things that I had missed with my previous pregnancies. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says “He has made everything beautiful in His time.” This verse reminded me everyday over the course of those two years that His timing would be beautiful. That gave me the hope to press on. As I held my daughter for the first time that late September afternoon, I reflected on how we got there. The heartache, the patience, the tears, and the hope had all led to that moment. That, over the course of two years, I was blessed to be a mama to three babies. One earth side and two in Heaven. 

Our rainbow baby

Even though I never got to hold them or raise them, I am still their mother. I still made them, carried them, and delivered them. I hold onto the truth that those precious little ones never had to experience pain, and are being cared for by our Heavenly Father. Someday I will get to meet them, and hold them in my arms. I look forward to that reunion dearly. 

September now holds a special place in my heart. It reminds me of my journey, and I’ll cherish that until the day I meet my precious angel babies.

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